The Not so Villainous Duo
by Reily96
Summary: Vaati and Ganon join forces in an attempt to defeat Link once and for all! The only problem is that the two can't seem to get along. Can their plans succeed or will utter chaos break loose... probably the latter. T for language and crude humor. Omg people please don't read this it's old and written terribly and does not reflect my writing now.
1. Blackmail

Another random thing that came to my head. It won't be as random as my other comedies but there will be unexpected stuff here. I also did this just because I think Vaati is totally awesome.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Legend of Zelda or any of its characters.

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"Dammit! Link always ruins my plans! ALWAYS!" Gannon cried out in anger. He was so tired of that _hero_ always butting in! He couldn't beat that little twerp and it angered him so!

"But what if I had help… Sure he's probably a bit angry but… with our powers combined, that green "fairy" won't have a chance!"

And so Gannon then made his way the Palace of the Winds. He knocked on the door. He could hear the echo in the inside of the palace even though he was outside. The door opened and Vaati appeared. He looked up to see who had knocked on his door. A dirty look came across his face.

"What do _you_ want?" The mage asked. "Listen Vaati, I know we haven't exactly gotten along-"

"_I_ was supposed to be the final boss of the Four Swords Adventures! You stole my thunder! Why were you even there?!" Vaati cut in. Gannon cringed. He was hoping Vaati wouldn't bring that up, but the miniature mage just couldn't let that grudge die.

"I told you before, I had no idea I was raining on your evil parade!" Gannon defended himself. "How could you not notice?! The swamp water turned to poison and dark Links were annoying the hell out of people!" Gannon shrugged embarrassedly.

Vaati tried shutting the door, but Ganondorf halted the door with his hand.

"C'mon! I'm going to ask you for help!! Can't by-gones be by-gones?" The Gerudo asked. Vaati halted. An evil grin came upon his face.

"Wait a second… You're asking _me_ for help? Me, who isn't even yet a veteran to the Zelda series?" Vaati asked. Ganondorf nodded, "I'm tired of Link always messing up my plans!"

Vaati still had on his evil smile. "No." He answered.

"But why not?! It'd be in both our interests."

"Well, I have quite a few reasons for not wanting to help you actually. The first, I don't like you. The second, if I did help you, you wouldn't listen to anything I'd say. And the third, if we did by some miracle succeed, you're gonna go back on your word and try to get rid of me. It happens every time villains cooperate with each other."

Gannon had enough of the acting nice. He grabbed the sorcerer by the neck of his cloak and held him up against a wall. "Listen you little albino, wind-loving freak. I am fed up with my plans getting ruined by that kid! I _need_ your help! So you're going to help me or you'll regret it!"

Vaati was unfazed. All of a sudden, a blast of wind threw Gannon to the opposite wall. Vaati floated for a second and then gracefully landed. He brushed himself off.

"You're 7 feet tall and just in general a big guy. Well, here's some news for you: I may be 5'2" and a magician but that doesn't make me weak, Ganon-dork. When compared, we're pretty much equally matched. So once again, I have no intention of helping you."

Vaati then began to make his way back into his palace when Ganondorf shakily got up and said in mock disappointment, "It's too bad you say that…. I guess everyone will know your Japanese name then…"

The sorcerer stopped dead in his tracks. He slowly turned around, a look of utter horror on his face. "You wouldn't dare!" He cried out.

Gannon now put on the evil grin. He shrugged and then turned around, making as if he was leaving. "Well, see you around… Gufuu."

"FINE! I'll help! Just… just don't say it anymore!" Vaati said angrily.

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Yes, Vaati's Japanese name is Gufuu. But Vaati is just so much cooler... hehe, I like to say his name... Vaati... Man, that's so cool! Oh yeah, I made him pretty short, too. He was short in the Minish Cap (I've only read the manga BTW, I haven't played the Minish Cap) so I decided to make him short in this fic. Also, because it would lead to some funny situations. 

Ideas are always welcome, people. I have a few but those won't make the fic last as long as I'd like. So please, help Rei (me!) on her quest to not stall this fic for weeks (sometimes months or, God forbid, a year)!


	2. Holodrum, Snickers bars, and Camels

This chapter ain't too funny and it's pretty fast paced. Most of the craziness will ensue in the next chapter which I am hoping will be funny. Until then, deal with this sorry chapter...

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"Alright Vaati! We need your control over the winds to get us to Link's house! It's that way, so get to it!" Ganon said pointing in the wrong direction. 

"One, that's the wrong way. And two, it doesn't work like that-" Vaati was then cut off.

"Stop right there! Who's been trying to conquer Hyrule since the late eighties?"

"You b-"

"That's what I thought. Now take us to Link's house!" Ganon repeated. Vaati sighed, "I'm telling you, it isn't going to work…"

A cyclone surrounded them and then dissipated. They looked around to find very unfamiliar surroundings.

"Ganon, I don't think we're in Hyrule anymore…" Vaati said. "Nonsense!" Ganon said in a not quite convincing tone. "You!" He pointed to a passerby. "Where are we?"

The passer by looked at him oddly. "Holodrum." He said as if it were obvious. Vaati gout on a triumphant look. "Told you."

Ganon shot a dirty look at him. "Don't looks so happy, this is still your fault." If it was even possible, Vaati put on an even dirtier look. "_My_ fault? Your bad directions got us here!"

"Whatever, just take us back." Ganon said, completely ignoring Vaati. "I can't." The mage replied. "I tried to tell you that warping isn't as easy as it sounds. It takes up a lot of magic. In my current condition, we can't go anywhere near Hyrule for at least an hour."

Ganon was taking deep breaths in an attempt not to kill everyone around him. "Alright… but why did we get this far into another country? Link's house wasn't that far away, so even if I did give the wrong directions, we shouldn't have ended up this far."

"Another difficult thing about warping. I need to see where I am going. If not, I have no clue how far away we could end up." The mage said.

"You couldn't have said that earlier?!" Ganon yelled. Ganon wasn't the only one angry anymore. "I told you, I tried to tell you! But like I said before I agreed to do this stupid cooperation thing, you won't listen to me!" He said.

Ganon lost Vaati at around "I told you." He was trying to think of a way to get back without having to wait for Vaati to recover his magic. In a fit of rage, the five foot two mage managed to get the seven foot Gerudo's back against a wall.

"You listen and you listen good, Big-nose! I may not have enough magic to warp but I can assure you I still have enough left to turn you into a toad! And if you don't start listening to me, I'm gonna quit this little alliance, make sure you turn into a toad with no chance of turning back, and get back to my own life, regardless of whether you're able tell anyone my Japanese name or not!"

"Okay, okay! I'll listen!" Ganondorf said frantically. The still angry, Vaati stomped away. Ganon just watched as the mage cursed and cursed and cursed. Even said some curse words he'd never heard of. "Geez, what's his problem?"

After an hour, Vaati was relatively back to normal again. They warped back to Hyrule without any problems and tried to resume their plans. But they were smart this time and walked.

"So what are we going to do when we actually get Link's house?" Vaati asked. The Gerudo put on an evil grin. "Well, I've devised a plan. The supplies are going to be rather difficult to get, so we might spend some time in some villages before we actually get to his house."

"What exactly do we need to get that's so difficult to find?" Vaati asked.

"Five pounds of hydraulic acid, a Snickers bar, and here's the real hard one, a nun riding a camel." Ganon said. Vaati hesitated. "What?"

"You'll see. But I'm going to need your help getting the supplies so be on the lookout!" Ganondorf told him.

"After almost twenty years of trying to conquer Hyrule, you've gone completely nuts. Even more so than what you're usually portrayed as." Vaati said. Ganon didn't seem to hear, but Vaati didn't particularly mind this time. He just couldn't believe he was getting black mailed by a crazy man. Also, he hoped that someone would do him the honor of killing him for good if he ever turned out to be as insane as Ganon.

Soon enough they reached a village. Ganon and Vaati immediately split up looking for the supplies. Vaati had no success, but he didn't expect success. Especially since most of these items don't exist in the Zelda world (least not yet) and camels weren't native to Hyrule. Ganon did manage to find a Snickers bar, but he had to do things he wasn't particularly proud of.

A depressed Ganon went back to the town square where he was supposed to meet up with Vaati again/. He saw Vaati talking to a mail man right before the mail man left carrying a crate with holes on the top. Almost like something was inside.

"Hey, what was in there?" Ganondorf asked. "Well, after seeing that your plan was going to fail miserably, I took matters into y own hands." Vaati said.

"But what was in the crate?" Ganon repeated. "You'll find out soon enough my large fr- should I really call you friend… I mean I don't like you, I don't think I can consider you a friend…"

"Um, what about acquaintance?" Ganon asked. Vaati shrugged. "For lack of a better word, that'll have to do I suppose…"

* * *

What was in Vaati's package? What could Ganon possibly do with hydraulic acid, a Snickers bar, and a nun riding a camel? Why am I asking all these questions? One of these three questions will be answered in the next chapter! 

Once again, any ideas you guys have are welcome since my brain's been in a rut lately.


	3. Broken Mirrors and Cuccoos

This one's kind of random and it's okay humor wise. It has passed as... acceptable.

Anyways! **Dragon Kaiju Prince** concerning your questions. I'm not quite sure of the correct pronounciation of Vaatis name but I've always said it vah-tee. In the Minish Cap, he does take a humanoid form that is rather short. Maybe just a little be taller than Link (since Link is a kid in the Minish Cap). Even so, I probably made him taller in this fic then he actually was in the game. And the whole pervert thing you mentioned, I'll be honest, that's what gave me the idea for this fic. He and Ganon getting into a fight about that. Thanks for the suggestions!

EDIT:

Disclaimer: I should've mentioned it before, as it almost got me in trouble. The cucco and the broken mirror parts in the story was not my idea. It came from a hilarious series of flash movies about the Four Swords and I received permission from the creator of it to use those bits. Me in all my stupidity did not think it important to mention. And for that, I apologize.

_

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_

"But really Vaati, what was in that package." Ganon asked again. Vaati was still silent. "Let's just say, it'll really get Link fired up."

Ganon took note that after they were rivals again that he had to watch out for Vaati. If his plan was as evil as it seemed, then that meant Vaati was surely capable of pulling something off like this on him!

"So what should we do until the package gets there?" The mage asked. Ganon shrugged, "Well, we're in a marketplace. Why don't we look around?"

So the two split up again, this time looking for things that perked their own interests. As Vaati was looking through a small stand that seemed to be full of magical trinkets, Ganon came running towards him looking like a child coking back from a candy store.

"Look what I just got!" He said holding a mirror. "It's broken." Vaati said as he examined it, "Did you look at it?"

"Ha ha, very funny. I know it's broken, shrimp. Nonetheless, it should work just fine." Ganon said. Vaati forked an eyebrow. "It's a mirror. It doesn't do anything."

"See you're not looking outside the box. This is a magic mirror." Ganon said. Vaati's bored expression showed that he didn't care. "What, you don't believe me?"

"Oh no, I believe it's a magic mirror. I just don't see why it would have any use to us. Magic mirrors are used to teleport people to the beginning of dungeons." Vaati told him.

"Once again, miniscule mage, you're not thinking outside the box. When I fix it, I'll use it so we can teleport wherever we want. You know, on the off chance you may take us to Termina next time." Ganondorf said. Vaati was a bit irked, but said nothing.

Ganon looked at his mirror again. "Do you think it still works?" He asked. He raised it up to use its power. A panicking Vaati said, "You idiot, don't!" But it was too late. The annoying magic mirror tune came on and then with a flash of light they arrived somewhere. It was a strange place. It was a cat walk made of metal. At the end of it was a man maybe taller than Ganondorf and dressed in black armor holding a glowing red sword. Across from him, holding onto some sort of machine was a youth missing a hand.

"Luke, I am your father!" The man in black said. The youth looked horrified and said, "No! That's impossible!"

"Search your feelings Luke! You know it to be true!" The man in black said. Vaati and Ganon looked at each other in confusion. They weren't at the beginning of a dungeon! They were in a whole different universe! Ganon raised the mirror again, the tune came and went. They were in a different place again. Pipes were popping up from the ground and reptilian creatures were running around everywhere. They looked at a nearby sign that read, "Welcome to Dinosaur Land!" Then a stereotypically fat Italian man riding a green dinosaur went past them. They used the mirror again, this time they ended up right back where they were supposed to be.

"DON'T USE THAT THING EVER AGAIN!" Vaati said angrily. Ganon cringed. "Sorry! I didn't know it would do that!" Vaati then seemed to have calmed down. "Can I see for a second?" Ganon handed it to him. Vaati threw it on the floor and smashed it to smithereens.

"Hey! I said I was going to fix it!" Ganon said. "I DON'T CARE!" Vaati yelled. There was a short silence, both of the villains with their tempers rising. Then Vaati seemed to have perked up, this time for real.

"What time is it?" He asked. A question out of the blue but Ganon looked up and answered, "Judging from the position of the sun… 4:03, 4:04…"

"My package should be getting there right about now…" Vaati said.

At Link's house

There was a knock at Link's door. The hero answered it.

"I have a package for a Mr. Link." The mail man said. "That's me." Link answered. The mail man put the package down and then a cuccoo popped out.

"A cuccoo?" Link said. "Actually, the note says it's a rooster." The mail man said.

Link looked at the mail man puzzled. "Please read the message left in the crate. I have to get back to work." Then the mail man left. Link neared his package and then reached in for the note. When he found it he read it.

Dear Link,

You love cock.

Signed, Vaati and Ganon

Link stared at the note with a blank expression. Then, "Vaati, Ganondorf, you SONS OF A BITCHES!"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch-I mean, back to Vaati and Ganondorf

"Wait, you're telling me you sent him a package with a rooster and then put an obscene note in the crate?" Ganon asked. "Yup." Vaati said proudly.

"That's… that's pure genius!" Ganon said in amazement. Vaati shrugged in an attempt to be modest. "Studying under Ezlo did have its good points I suppose… Anyways, that was probably enough to get him angry but probably not angry enough that he wants our blood. We need to think of something else that'll really send him chasing our tails…"

"I think I may have something that can do just that…" Ganon said evilly.

Back to Link

"Oh, they'll get what's coming to them… They think they can make me look bad, well I'll make them feel miserable!" Link said. He had really taken that package personally.

He was digging through a pile of books, throwing out the ones that weren't what he wanted. He dug through another pile and then took out a heavy phone book. He grinned nastily. He flipped through the pages until he was practically at the end of the book. When he was at the appropriate page he looked for the name. When he found the name he was looking for, he wrote down the number, got his phone and dialed it.

"Hey there Zant! How's it going?"

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Reviews and suggestions are loved 


	4. Zant

All you need to know about this chapter... It's quite random. More random than I actually ever planned to do for this. But here it is. Oh and by the way, I keep forgetting to mention that I'm actually planning to make a flash out of this. I'm going to work on it fairly soon, so right now, you're kind of reading the novelized vertsion of the script. Some parts, tho, will be left out.

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They arrived at the Gerudo fortress and Ganon said, "C'mon, follow me. It's in my room." And he took the lead. The mage followed the Gerudo through the maze of a fortress into his room. When he entered, he was shocked to see that the room looked… normal. Save for the wall of newspaper clippings about Link and death messages written all over them, it looked absolutely plain. Ganon opened his closet and looked for whatever he was looking for. Vaati looked to the side and then saw something. He picked it up off of Ganon's bedspread and then…

"What's this?" He asked, holding it up like if it held some sort of infectious disease. Ganon gasped. "Leave Ganny alone! Put him back!" He said frantically. Vaati almost fell over in laughter.

"Ganny? You actually named this thing? And after yourself, no less! This is just too good!"

"Just put him back!" Ganon cried out. Vaati managed to stand up straight and say, "Fine, fine, I'm putting him back, see?" He put the pig-doll back on Ganon's sheets. Ganon turned to look back in his closet, did a quick double-take to make sure Vaati wasn't going to do anything, and then went back to his business. After that, Vaati picked up the doll and placed it in the pocket of his cloak.

"Alright! I found it!" Ganon said as he pulled out a file cabinet. He opened the drawer and Vaati saw a bunch of files that had peoples' names on it for labeling. "This is my blackmail cabinet. I got just about everything on everyone." Ganon said.

"That's how you found out my Japanese name then?" Vaati asked. "Yup! I have a bunch of other things on you too! But that's not why we're here. I have Link's folder too! You'd be surprised at how many skeletons he has in his closet… no really, he has like five." Ganon answered. Now while blackmailing Link sounded great and all, Vaati just needed to know one thing.

"Do you have copies of any of these files?" He asked. Ganon shook his head. "Nah, no one, until now, even knew this cabinet existed. Why?"

"Just wanted to see if it was possible for me to get copies of Link's file." Vaati lied. "Well, I could give you some. I have more than I'll ever need. But first, we need to decide which one to use." Ganon said.

"What do you mean, 'which one'? We could use more than one." Vaati said. Then, the sound of a knock ran through the fortress. "Who the hell is that?" Ganon asked. Then he went off so he could open his door. After getting his own file out of Ganon's blackmail cabinet, he followed.

Ganon opened the door, and a strange looking blue-skinned man stood there.

"My Lord!" he said as he bowed down to Ganon. "Oh no, not this guy again…" The Gerudo muttered.

"Who's little boy blue, there?" Vaati asked. "This is Zant… He kind of thinks that… I'm God…" Ganon answered. Vaati refrained from laughter. "You? Wow, now that is weird…" Was all the mage could say.

"How dare you call God weird! Master, if it is your will, I will destroy this little man for you!" Zant said.

"No! That's not necessary Zant… He's my… erm… my unpaid intern!" Ganon said. Vaati shot a dirty look but he played along. "Yes, his intern." He said unconvincingly.

"Oh, then if that is the case, I am your servant too!" He said giving a small bow to Vaati. The mage smiled and looked up at Ganon, "I think I like little boy blue."

"Hey Zant… why don't you go… clean out the pantry! Me and my intern need to have a talk." Ganon told the Twili. "Of course, Lord." He said bowing, then he ran off to the pantry.

"So he thinks you're God? No doubt this is the latest result from your last attempt at world domination." Vaati said.

"We need to get rid of him." Ganon said almost terrified.

"Why? I don't see why he'd be a problem."

"You don't understand! Not only is this guy annoying, he's crazy!" Ganon said. "He can't be as crazy as you." Vaati muttered. "Well, where's the bathroom here. I've had to go for a while now."

"Up the hall, second door to your left." Ganon said.

Vaati entered the bathroom and began the process of draining his bladder. But he felt uncomfortable. He looked to the side and shrieked.

"WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!"

Zant was right there. "Hello intern! I just wanted to let you know that if you need anything tell me!"

"WHAT I NEED IS PRIVACY! GET THE HELL OUT!" He yelled. Zant nodded quickly, still with annoying smile, and ran out. Vaati just stood there. "I feel violated…"

He exited the bathroom and found Ganon sitting, looking through Link's blackmail file.

"We need to get rid of Zant." He said. Ganon threw the papers behind him. "Thought you'd never say it. But how?"

"I don't know! He's your worshipper, you think of something!" Vaati said.

"I don't know! The guy won't leave me alone! I told you, he's insane!" Ganon retorted.

"Well, can't you just send him really, really far away?" Vaati asked. Ganon thought for a moment. "That's it! We'll give him a bunch of pointless and/or impossible tasks to do in really far away places! ZANT! GET IN HERE!"

In a flash, the Twili was in the room.

"Yes, Lord?" He asked eagerly.

"Zant, we need you to go get a golden egg in Termina! You think you could do it?" Ganon asked. "But of course, Master!" He said and then he ran off,

"Hehe, that'll keep him." Vaati said. But within the hour, Zant came back with a golden egg and a Termina stamp on his passport.

"How-how did he do that!?" Vaati stammered. Ganon was speechless but he thought of another mindless task for Zant to do. "Um, Zant, now we need you to… get ice from Pluto!"

Zant nodded with that crazy look in his eyes. Within two hours he was back and you could tell he suffered from atmospheric damage.

"How does he do that?! I can't even do that!" Vaati cried out. "If only I hadn't destroyed that damn mirror!" Zant caught the last part of Vaati's words. "I could retrieve for you, intern! I could even repair it, if you'd like!" He said. Then, a revelation came to both villains.

"Yes, do that please!" They both said. Zant then ran off, and as usual, he came back quickly, with the mirror fully repaired. Then they sent Zant off to do a meaningless task within the fortress. Vaati punched the mirror so that it was cracked.

"Now, if we just tell him to use it and destroy it when he gets to wherever he gets, we won't have to see his face anymore!" The wind sorcerer said.

"Yeah, but what I don't get is how Zant knew how to find me…" Ganon muttered. "Well, you could always ask him. It's not like he'll withhold information from you." Vaati said.

They called Zant back. "Zant, how did you know where to find me?" The Gerudo asked the Twili. "Oh, that boy Link called me. He told me where to find you and everything! At first I was skeptical but I checked anyway and here you were!"

Then it all made sense. Link was taking his own revenge on them by sending Zant to drive them nuts! They handed Zant the mirror and gave him their instructions. Zant did so, eager to please. The magic mirror tune came on and he was gone. Both Vaati and Ganon sighed with relief. But then they heard a mirror break outside the fortress. They looked put the window and there was Zant, now brushing away the shards of the mirror so no one would step on them.

"He's never going to leave us alone…" Vaati said in horrified amazement.


	5. Pervert

Okay, I'm sorry guys. This AN is going to be pretty long. I admit, Ganny did come from "The Return of Ganondorf" by LegendaryFrog. Also, I forgot that Vader never actually said, "Luke, I am your father." But I forgot. I haven't watched SW in forever... I must repent by doing so tonight. 

Anyways, notes concerning this chapter of the fanfic. I originally wanted to make Zant's role two chapters long but hen I was typing this one, it didn't turn out that way. So I've renamed the last chapter. I'm now puttiong in the chapter that gave me the idea for this fanfic in the first place, which is Ganon calling Vaati a pervert. I'd like to thank **Dragon Kaiju Prince** again for all his help!

And **D.C.**, yes I do type really fast. My dad gets really scared at how fast I type. I don't know where the spelling errors are coming from, tho, because I do have spellcheck and I do pay attention to it. It could possibly be that I miss some letters (and sometimes whole words... sorry) and spellcheck ignores that. In actuality, I'm a very good speller. I'll see about fixing those little problems later. Also, I am trying to work on starting new paragraphs with a new speaker, the only problem is, I have no idea when it's the right time to do so. Yes, I know, every time a new speaker but for some reason, my brain has a hard time clicking with that concept... I'm such a dumbass... To see so many sentences and spaces and such bothers me for some reason... Anyways, I apologize for the inconvenience, and your input is appreciated.

Sorry for it being so long guys! Here's the fanfic!

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Zant then came back in. "Master! Intern! What good timing! I just got rid of that mirror for you!" He said happily. Then there were noises coming from outside. Vaati went to the window to check.

"WHOA! There's like a whole herd of hot chicks coming this way!" He said. Ganon freaked. "You guys got to hide… Actually, on second thought, Zant go outside and greet them." He said. Zant once again went outside happily to do his master's task. Then Ganon grabbed Vaati and began pulling him away from the entrance.

"Hey! I want to see the hot chicks beat the crap out of him!" Vaati complained.

"If they see you, they'll beat the crap out of you too!" Ganon said. Vaati thought for a moment and then, "Hot chicks with attitude… Hehe, I like that…"

"YOU ARE A TOTAL PERVERT!" Ganon yelled.

"I am no such thing!" Vaati said back while trying to get his feet back on the ground. Then Ganon came to an abrupt halt.

"Oh yeah? Well you're always kidnapping young pretty girls! Save for the Minish Cap when you turned Zelda to stone…" Ganon said. Vaati glared at the Gerudo.

"I have a perfectly valid reason for why I did that!"

"Yeah, you're a rapist." Ganon said. Vaati punched him.

"I AM NOT!"

Ganon and Vaati were about to throw an all out war when they heard the doors open.

"We'll finish this later." Ganon said. Vaati just nodded and then they began to run again.

"How tall are you again?" Ganon asked.

"Five foot two. Why?" Vaati said.

"PERFECT!" Ganon said. He grabbed Vaati and threw him into a large trunk. "You can open it a bit to get some air, but until the girls leave, _don't get out!_" Vaati was about to say something but Ganon slammed the top of the trunk shut on him, at the same time giving the mage a nice bump on his head.

"Oh, when this is over I am going to kill him…"

For what seemed like hours, Vaati was in that trunk. He had to wonder what the hell Ganon was doing.

_Let's take a look shall we?_

"You got any twos?" A Gerudo asked. Ganon looked down at his cards.

"Go fish."

_Alright, back to Vaati_

Then Vaati opened the top of the trunk. No one was there. He got out and found that he was hurting all over. He had been in that trunk way too long.

"Hello, little intern!" An annoying voice said. Vaati turned in alarm to see Zant.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

"When the ladies didn't do anything to me, the Master told me to make sure no one came in here and that you didn't get out of the trunk. So, back in you go, intern!" The blue man said as he walked over and tossed Vaati back in the trunk.

"DAMN YOU!" Vaati yelled as Zant slammed the top of the trunk on Vaati.

Meanwhile, with Ganon and the rest of the Gerudo. One of the ladies heard the trunk being slammed, as well as someone cursing. "What was that?" She asked.

"NOTHING! It's nothing!" Ganon said quickly. The women didn't seem to notice Ganon's fidgety attitude.

"I think I'll go check." Anther one of them said.

"NO! It's probably a mouse or something!" Ganon said quickly. The woman looked at him strangely and said,

"Whatever, it wouldn't hurt to check." And then she got up and left.

_Well… at least Zant is guarding the room… Oh God…_He thought miserably.

So the Gerudo followed the noises of Vaati flailing in the trunk. She was lead to the room but Zant wouldn't let her go by.

"I'm sorry, but the Master said no one is to come in this room!" He said. The Gerudo punched him the stomach and Zant just said in a raspy voice, "Right this way, ma'am."

The Gerudo approached the flailing trunk, now hearing a muffled voice cursing. She was nervous but she opened it. Vaati and her stared at each other uneasily for a moment.

"Hey, you're kind of cute." The Gerudo told him. Vaati took the compliment,

"Well, I do try…"

Ganon was very jumpy. Vaati was probably found out. He was going to get it as soon as that girl came back. Then the girl entered the room, Vaati right behind her. He was dreading what was about to happen. He was definitely going to get it. But then, a completely different scenario happened.

"Hey girls! I just found this cute guy locked in the trunk!" She said pointing to Vaati.

"Oh, he is cute!" "What's his name?" "Does he have any brothers?" Were a few of the comments that could be heard. Ganon couldn't believe his ears. The girls actually had a thing for Vaati. And, of course, Vaati didn't have a problem with it at all.

The girls were all surrounding the mage now, practically adoring him. Ganon's jaw was down to the floor. This was definitely not what he expected.

"Hey, little guy! Wanna go out some time?" One of the Gerudo asked Vaati.

"No! He's going to go out with me!" Another Gerudo said. If it was possible, Vaati's smile got ever bigger. He had never had girls fight over him before. While the girls were preoccupied arguing over who got first dibs on the wind sorcerer, Ganon grabbed Vaati and they headed for the door.

"We should probably take our plans for revenge somewhere else." Ganon said.

"Oh come on! I've never had girls fight over me before! Can't we watch just for thirty seconds?" Vaati said pleadingly.

"Pervert…" Ganon muttered as he continued to drag Vaati away.

"FINE!" Vaati said, hearing Ganon's comment. "But I am not a pervert!" And with that, he walked ahead of Ganon.

"Once again, then why'd you kidnap all those girls?" Ganondorf asked.

"Have you seen how big my palace is?" Vaati asked. "It is a real bitch to clean it on my own!"

"Wait… are you saying, you kidnapped all those girls because you needed help cleaning your palace?" Ganon asked.

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying!" Vaati said.

"Why don't you just hire a housekeeper or something?"

"I'm not made of money, Ganon-dork. Besides, they'd send the old ugly ones. If someone's going to help me clean my house, they can at least be cute… But who are you calling a pervert. You've been kidnapping Zelda for almost twenty years."

"SHUT UP!"


	6. Skullkid

And so I bring you (insert Chapter number here because I can't remember)! This is gaining some popularity, so I'm happy about that!

Oh and **Trick Steven**, Vaati has been attacked by a rabid fangirl... ME! MWAHAHA! Yes, I admit it, I'm a HUGE Vaati fangirl. If I wasn't, this fanfic probably wouldn't have been made. Anyways, here's the next chapter.

* * *

"Alright, Link's file is here! All we need to do is decide what to blackmail him with!" Ganon said. They had moved to a desolate area of Hyrule Field for lack of a better location. But Vaati kept getting the feeling something was about to go wrong.

"I don't know… Are you sure we should really be doing this outside?" He asked Ganon.

"Oh come on! Hyrule Field is huge! What's going to happen?" Ganon said confidently. Then, with a swoosh, Kaepora Gaebora grabbed the blackmail file right out of Ganon's hand. Vaati shot Ganon a look.

"That's going to happen." He said.

The giant owl then said, "We can't have this information spilling. Until you two learn your lesson, I'll hold onto these."

"Hello, we're the bad guys that'll reappear in just about every Zelda game! We'll never learn our lesson!" Ganon said. Vaati slammed his palm into his own forehead. Ganon just had to open his big mouth.

"If that's the case, I guess I'll have to keep this then!" The giant owl said. With a flap of his huge wings he set off.

"Nice job, Ganon-dork." Vaati said sarcastically. "Now what are we going to do?"

"We're going to get them back!" Ganon said as if it were obvious.

"How? No one's seen where that stupid owl nests!" Vaati said.

"And that's where you're wrong, pigmy sorcerer. That owl's been in Link's Awakening, Ocarina of Time, and Four Swords Adventures. I decided to dig up some info on him and found out that he nests in the biggest tree of the Lost Woods." Ganon told him. Vaati just stared at Ganon.

"Dude, you need a life." The mage said.

And then, the two villains began their trek to the Lost Woods. Unfortunately, with Ganon's sense of direction they ended up lost. What's worse, they weren't even in the Lost Woods. A fed up Vaati finally grabbed the map and examined it. When he found he couldn't read it, he realized something.

"You've been holding the map upside-down!" He said to Gerudo man. Ganon felt very embarrassed.

"That explains my difficulty reading it…" Ganon muttered.

And then, they went on the real trek to the Lost Woods. When they arrived they found a sign that read, "To avoid getting lost, follow the Skullkids." Then they saw another sign. "The Skullkids are jerks. You're better off winging it."

"Well that's pointless." Ganon said. Vaati nodded in agreement. "But before we go on, Vaati! I want to let you know that if we get lost, it's because we're in the _Lost_ Woods! Not my sense of direction."

"Whatever." Vaati muttered. And then they continued onward. That's when Ganon noticed that despite them being in a forest, it was still pretty bright. This brought a question to the Gerudo man's mind.

"Hey, Vaati. With it being so bright out, are you sure you should be walking around?" He asked. Vaati hesitated.

"What?"

"Well, you're albino right? Don't you have a problem with the sun?" Ganon asked.

"I'm not albino. I know I have pale skin and red eyes but my hair isn't white. It's a light bluish-purple. I like to call it Sky Lavender." The mage said. Ganon stared.

"That is so gay." He told Vaati.

"So I like to make up names for colors! That doesn't mean I'm gay!" Vaati said defensively.

"Yes it does." Ganon said plainly.

"Well, you're gay!" Vaati snapped.

And then the two got into a mindless argument over who was of the homosexual persuasion. After it reached a stalemate the two just gave each other the silent treatment, completely forgetting they were looking for Kaepora Gaebora's nest.

After half an hour, a Skullkid just happened to notice the two villains walking by. With a giggle, he took out his blowpipe and shot a dart at Vaati.

"OW! What was that for?" Vaati said accusingly to Ganon as one of his hands clung to the back of his neck.

"What are you talking about?" Ganon asked.

"You pinched me!" Vaati said angrily.

"No I didn-OW!!" Ganon cried as something pinched him on his butt. "Something just pinched me in my ass!"

Then they heard the giggle of the Skullkid. They both turned and saw the giggling Skullkid with his blowpipe.

"YOU!" They both said in unison. They chased after the Skullkid who quickly disappeared as soon as they got near. They heard the Skullkid's giggle again, felt the pricks of his blowpipe's needles on their bottoms, and turned to see the Skullkid dancing around.

They growled in frustration and chased after him again. But once again, as they neared he disappeared (hey, that rhymed!). After the process repeated about two more times Vaati finally turned to Ganon and said, "When that… that _thing_ reappears, throw me at him! If we do that, it'll be too fast for him to disappear!"

Ganon nodded. When they heard Skullkid again and turned to find him behind them, Ganon grabbed Vaati and threw the mage right at him. Skullkid definitely didn't expect that. Vaati tackled the Skullkid violently and pinned him down.

"HA! Finally caught you! You won't evade us now!" Vaati said. Ganon caught up.

"Yeah, it's two against one!" Ganondorf said. The Skullkid giggled. Both Vaati and Ganon were baffled. He was still giggling? Even after his situation was so hopeless?

"But you see, the good thing about being me is that there are so many me's!" The Skullkid said.

"Oh no! A blatant rip-off of the Matrix Reloaded!" Ganon said in terror. And then, Skullchildren surrounded them! They were too numerous to count!

"Aw crap…" Vaati muttered.

TO BE CONTINUED!

* * *

Don't you just hate these cliffhanger endings? 


	7. Heights and Psychosis

Sorry guys, this one's shorter than normal. I'm not really myself. My cat might be dying so until it happens or she's okay, updates my be a little slow or have a lack of their normal humor... Well... later.

* * *

The Skullkids danced playfully all around them. The blew on their blowpipes and the needles all had direct hits. Both Vaati and Ganon yowled in pain.

"Wait a second…" Vaati said. "Ganon, we're the bad guys! All powerful, able to smite anyone-except for that damn "fairy" boy-who get in our way!"

"You're right!" Ganon said. "You take that half, I'll take this half." He pointed to two halves. Vaati nodded. The two stood back to back. Ganon unleashed blasts of dark energy at his half while Vaati unleashed a flurry of cyclones.

Soon enough, there was only one Skullkid left. And he wasn't giggling and dancing anymore. Vaati and Ganon closed in on Skullkid, who was now practically pooing himself.

"Holy crap!" Skullkid said, finally realizing who he was dealing with. "You're Ganondorf and you're… you're… That wind guy… Starts with a V…"

"VAATI! MY NAME IS VAATI!" The angry mage cried out.

"Actually it's Gufuu." Ganon interjected.

"SHUT UP!" Vaati said. When the mage turned to face the Skullkid, he had disappeared. "Where the hell did he go?"

The familiar giggle came and they turned to see the Skullkid running away deeper into the forest. Cursing, Vaati chased after the mischievous creature.

"Wait! You shouldn't go there! That's where… aw fuck it…" Ganon said. "I'll take care of that later. I'll handle the owl first…"

Vaati hadn't even noticed that he was chasing Skullkid into a whole different place. Then he lost Skullkid.

"Where'd that little fucker go?" Vaati asked to no one in particular. Then all of a sudden.

"Where'd those two go?! Skullkid! Tael! Hey you, there! Have you seen a weird looking kid and purple fairy?" Tatl asked. Vaati stared at the fairy for a second and then twitched. With a mallet that just came out of nowhere, he began chasing the fairy to smash it.

"MUST… KILL… FAIRY!" He said in between smashes. And poor lil' Tatl was flying for her life.

"What the hell is this guy's problem?!" She said as she managed to find a temporary hiding place.

Meanwhile, Ganon managed to find the tree without problem. It seems that with lack of any distractions such as Vaati and Skullkid, the owl's nesting place wasn't that hard to find.

He stared up at the massive tree. The owl didn't seem to be present, which was good for him. So he began his climb up the tree. He shuffled up, grabbing hold of the branches, and getting higher up. Soon, he reached a massive nest and crawled in.

"Now… if I was a giant owl… where would I hide blackmail about a hero that I stole from two bad guys…" He asked himself. Then he looked over to a hole in the trunk of the tree. "There!"

He reached in the hole and felt around. The first thing he pulled out was a puppy. Not wanting to damage the cute creature, he just put it to the side. He reached in again, this time pulling out a used tissue. He yelped and threw it off the side of the tree, rubbing his hand off on the bottom of the nest. He reached in again and this time grabbed the file.

"Yes! Hey… what's that?" he asked, seeing some sort of weird thing in the hole of the tree. He reached in and pulled out a skull. His eyes widened, he threw it back into the hollow of the tree and said, "I know NOTHING!"

He made his way to the side of the tree and then looked over. He yelped and retreated back to the center of the nest.

"Dammit! … I'm afraid of heights…"

Ganon just stood in the nest, hoping the owl wasn't going to come back anytime soon. He looked over the edge of the nest one more time and shuddered. Dusk was fast approaching.

"Wonder what Vaati's doing?"

"KILL… FAIRY…" Vaati was still preoccupied with trying to capture Tatl and pull her little wings off. Luckily, Tael had managed to find his older sister.

"What are you doing here?" He asked her.

"I'm hiding from that psycho!" She said.

"Geez, Tatl, I know Skullkid can do some pretty crazy stuff but he's not a psycho…"

"Not that psycho! This-" She was interrupted when…

"SMASH FAIRIES!" Vaati came with his mallet, waving it wildly in an attempt to bash the living crap out of the fairies. The two Faye, in a panic, fluttered away as fast as their wings could take them.

Soon enough, the chase lead straight to Clock Town. And when that happened, the fairies weren't the only ones being terrorized. People were constantly trying to avoid Vaati's attacks. And by that time, he gave up with mallet and started using full-blown magic.

Tatl and Tael (haha, Tattle Tail) eventually managed to find a hiding place that guarded them from Vaati's psychosis. Unfortunately, the people of Clock Town couldn't. The sorcerer was flipping the whole town upside-down, trying to find the fairies. All that could be heard from him was, "Little midget helpers of that big "fairy". Bastards, I'll get rid of them…"

His psychosis was ended when someone finally had the courage enough to approach the mage and hit him over the head with a pan.


	8. Insert chapter name here

"Okay, I can do this… It's not like I'll fall off…" Ganon muttered. He stuck the files inside of his shirt (or whatever it is that he wears) and climbed over to the edge. He retreated back to the center.

"Get a hold of yourself, Ganondorf!" he said to himself. "You're the King of Darkness! No King of Darkness is afraid of heights! Yeah!" He stood up and walked over to the edge again. Though he didn't retreat back into the nest, he just stared at the very, very, very long fall that awaited him if he lost his footing. He made a whiny, grunt and slowly lowered himself so that he was hanging from a branch by his arms and legs. Then, he heard flapping.

"_SHIT! It's that damn owl!"_ He thought. He went closer to the trunk of the tree, getting under the nest so that he hopefully wouldn't be seen by the owl. Luckily for him, there was a branch just large enough for him to stay on until the owl left. He tried to keep from an evil cackle. That owl wasn't going to get him this time! As soon as it left, he would just climb down, and then maybe, just maybe look for Vaati.

But the owl didn't leave. He just stayed perched in his nest. Ganon could only try to keep from sleeping for fear of falling off.

Meanwhile, in Termina, Vaati woke up in a cell. There was a throbbing in the back of his head. He tried to recall what happened. Either he got totally wasted and was suffering from a hangover, or someone had snuck up and hit him over the head.

It slowly came back to him. He had gone through a temporary span of insanity. That's when he gasped and said in horror, "I'M TURNING INTO GANON!"

Of course, it was just after that he realized he was in a cell. But it wasn't a very complicated cell. He could get out easy. He zapped the lock, opened the cell door and walked out casually. So far, no one seemed to notice, nor care, that he was out.

"Hmm… Funny how when one gets out of jail in these games, no cares…" He said to himself. But as he looked around, everything seemed very strange. This town he was in sort of reminded him of Hyrule Castle Town, yet it wasn't. It was almost like he was in some sort of alternate universe… Then it hit him. He was in Termina.

He cursed, and cursed, and cursed, and cursed some more. He also wasn't being very quiet about it so most mothers covered the ears of their children as the mage walked past. Then he heard something. That annoying giggle that could only belong to Skullkid! He followed it and found the strange child at the end of an alleyway speaking with the fairies from before.

Hello, pent up rage.

"Well if it isn't the three creatures I was looking for." He said as he approached the three. All three tried to look tough, but to no avail. They all knew they had royally pissed off Vaati.

"Lucky for you three, I'm in a good mood today." Vaati said, trying his best to show that he meant no harm, even though he did. "Just send me back and you won't become statues."

"No way! We know you're not telling the truth." Tael said. Both Tatl and Skullkid really wished they had a flyswatter. Vaati stopped his act and pointed a finger at the dark fairy, ready to unleash a spell.

"Wrong answer." He said. The Skullkid stepped in front.

"Wait, wait! We'll get you out of here, but on one condition!" He said. Vaati lowered his hand.

"Fine."

"You have to play hide'n'seek with us! Not it!" And with that Skullkid vanished.

"What! I have no time for kid games!" Vaati said. But it was too late. Skullkid was long gone.

Back in Hyrule, Ganon was still on his tree branch. The owl had been there for days. Ganon was starving. He was actually amazed the bird hadn't left the nest to go eat. But as soon as he thought that, the owl flapped its giant wings and flew away.

"Finally!" Ganondorf said aloud. He was about to continue his trek towards the ground when he realized… there were no grips, no surfaces in which he could gain footing. It was amazing how he got there in the first place. He just had to try and climb back onto the nest and start over again. With a miserable sigh Ganon balanced himself and reached for the nest. It was higher than he thought, because he had to tiptoe to reach it.

He grabbed on to relatively firm part of the nest and tried to lift himself close to the edge so his other hand could go over and he could get up inside. But then, his feet slipped. He squealed and found himself hanging by one hand on the nest.

"DAMMIT!" He cursed. Then, the puppy from just the other day came to the edge of the nest. He sniffed Ganon's hand. The Gerudo's eyes widened.

"No, no! Bad boy!" Ganon said. But the little puppy lifted his leg and let it all loose. Ganon just hung there miserably. He couldn't believe it but he really wished Vaati was here. At least that little mage would consider trying to help him.

Then, he heard the flapping again. The owl was back, and he couldn't do anything about it! But maybe he could convince Kaepora Gaebora to let him down! After all, the owl didn't know he had Link's file back. He eagerly awaited the owl's arrival back into the nest, but instead of landing there the owl hovered about. He was carrying a rope in his beak and he seemed to be thinking of something. Then, he swooped about in a circle around Ganon, tying up one of his legs, and then swooped around his branch. Ganon lost his grasp and thought he was about to fall and break his head open. But instead he hung from the branch because his leg was tied to the rope. He felt the blood rush down to his head.

"I'm smarter than I look, King of Evil." The owl said. Ganon just sent him a dirty look.

"I hate you."


	9. Reunited

A new chapter. Yay! Unfortunately, it didn't make it up to my expectations and is rather fast paced. Sorry, I haven't updated for a bit. School's been a biznatch. I have to draw this damn chair in art class. It's de,on chair, I say! A DEMON CHAIR! So many lines...

Anyways, the way it's looking, my cat's going to be fine! Thanks for your sympathies all.

* * *

"I could blow this place up… I should blow this place up…" Vaati muttered as he walked around trying to find Skullkid. But as much as he wanted to, he knew that if he did he was stuck there. Warping was of no use, he could only warp to places in his own universe, not an alternate one.

Then he saw something scurry by on a ledge. He turned quickly and saw a Minish. He almost fell over from shock. He wasn't surprised to see that they had them here; he was surprised to see the alternate version of himself!

"You can see us?" The tiny Vaati asked. The evil Vaati just stared in shock. This was the last thing he expected! And since this other him looked like that, then it must've meant…

"_If this tiny me is still small then… OH GOD! In Termina I'm… I'm… I'm good!"_

He held in his lunch.

"You don't look so good…" Alternate Vaati said. Our Vaati regained his composure as best he could. Even though he didn't like knowing the fact that his Termina-self was good, the alternate Vaati could give him a hand.

"Sorry, I had a sandwich for lunch that didn't look too good." Vaati told his little self. Practically whispering because the normal tone of his voice could blow the little him away. "Have you seen a freaky looking kid and two fairies go by?"

The Minish Vaati shook his head and said, "No, sorry. But I could help you find them! I know this place like the back of my hand, so I know most of the places people your size hide in!"

Vaati almost shuddered and how nice his Termina self was. He brushed it off. Alternate Vaati climbed up to our Vaati's shoulder.

"Alright then, we should try looking over there first." Minish Vaati said pointing. Our Vaati wasted no time and followed the directions that his alternate self was giving him.

Meanwhile, Ganon was still hanging from the rope. He had a mind to cut himself down but the drop would probably kill him. Then he remembered! He had above average upper-body strength! After a little trouble, he did manage to reach the rope and pull himself up. He put on an evil grin and then shouted up at the nest, "Take that, owl! I've outsmarted you!"

Then, something gooey and white fell on his head. His triumphant face went to one filled with simmering anger. He looked up at the nest again.

"You're an ass." He said.

"I'm an owl. I don't know any better." Kaepora Gaebora said.

"Don't know any better? You have wisdom pouring out your ears! In fact, if Zelda didn't have the Triforce of Wisdom, you'd probably get it!" Ganon snapped.

"Just because I am knowledgeable doesn't mean I don't give in to primitive urges. Besides, it is not like I can use a toilet."

Ganon grumbled at the owl's response. "Well, you're still an ass."

"No, I am an owl." Kaepora Gaebora said smugly.

Ganon gave a dirty look to the owl. "Don't you have someone to tell your infinite wisdom to right now?"

"Not until six."

Ganon just let go of the rope and resumed hanging from his foot. As long as the owl was watching him, he couldn't climb up without a bunch of crap getting in his way. Literally.

In Termina, with the help of his little self, Vaati had managed to find Skullkid. With a grumble, Skullkid said he would send Vaati back when he reached the edge of the forest.

"Well, thanks a lot little Minish." Vaati said to his alternate self. The little him crawled down onto a railing.

"No, problem. I enjoy helping people." Alternate Vaati said. The evil Vaati couldn't take it anymore.

"Before I take off, I have a piece of advice for you. Your master, Ezlo, has a magic hat. Take it. It'll be the best thing you do with your life." Our Vaati said. The small Vaati looked at him puzzled.

"How do you know about that?"

"Well, I have to go. See ya." Vaati said. Then he took off for the forest.

Vaati went back to Hyrule without any problems. He was back in the forest and managed to find Ganon. After all, it's kind of hard not to notice a seven foot man hanging from his foot in a tree. Of course, he didn't actually come out until Kaepora Gaebora left. And just as the owl had said to Ganon, he left around six..

"Hey, Vaati! It took you long enough! Get me down!" Ganon said when Vaati finally came out. The mage rolled his eyes. He pointed a finger at the rope and zapped it down. Ganon fell with a thump.

"That could've killed me!" Ganon said angrily. He was in a bad mood. But you can't blame him. After all, he was stuck in a tree for days. Nonetheless, the mage didn't like his tone.

"It was a five foot drop. And since you landed on your side, the worst it could've done was broken a rib or two, and I know you've had much worse." Vaati said. The sorcerer's temper was rising. "Back to business. Did you get the files back?"

Ganon then remembered the folder. "Yeah, right here." He said patting his chest.

"Good. We're not working with that file outside again, ya got that?" Vaati said.

Ganon muttered. "Fine. We'll go back to the fortress for now, then." And so, they trekked back to the desert, to Vaati's disdain. He didn't like the desert. The only reason he looked forward to going was because of the girls.


	10. Dinner with Twinrova

Chapter 10. Whoo, double-digits now. Wow. Usually, I stop writing my fanfics for months at a time at chapter four at the most. But I made it a point to actually finish this one! Well, here ya are.

* * *

When they arrived, one of the Gerudo was already there and she had a concerned look on her face.

"Lord Ganondorf, I have bad news." She said.

"Have we run out of Twinkies again? Please don't tell me we've run out of Twinkies again!" Ganon said frantically. Both the Gerudo and Vaati looked at Ganon like he was a freak.

"No." the woman said. "Koume and Kotake have returned from that extended vacation of theirs."

Ganon looked like he was about to cry. Vaati was confused. "Who're Koume and Kotake?"

Ganon couldn't answer. He was in a fetal position muttering, "Please make them go away… please make the away." So instead, the Gerudo answered in Ganon's stead.

"They're his surrogate mothers. They raised him into what he is now, but as of late they've become much more maternal… and they've gone a bit senile."

"Surrogate mothers?" Vaati asked.

"It's a very long and complicated story that leaves many questions that don't need to be answered."

"But how-"

"I said, leaving many questions that don't need to be answered." The Gerudo repeated. Then she looked at Ganon who was still in his fetal position. "Well, I might as well get him inside…"

Vaati then took his chance. "No please, allow me, Miss. Such lovely hands, like yours, shouldn't have to suffer from carrying such weight."

The Gerudo blushed. "Well, you're such a gentleman. Thanks." She said.

"No, the pleasure's all mine." Vaati said. He snapped his fingers and some force lifted Ganon off the ground, carrying him over to the fortress.

"Oooh, a sorcerer. Save for Koume and Kotake, we don't see much of you guys around here." She said.

Vaati just smiled. _"I've got a good feeling about this…"_ He thought.

When they all were inside, the Gerudo left to tell Twinrova of the arrival of Ganon. Ganon grabbed Vaati by the collar.

"Why'd you bring me in here?!" He said. Vaati pulled Ganon's hand off of him.

"It was the perfect moment to lay some moves on that girl. I wasn't about to pass that up. And don't touch me; you still have bird crap on you." Vaati said, making sure he had none of the bird poo on him.

Before Ganon could say anything, both Koume and Kotake came in.

"Oh Ganny! It's so good to see you." One of them said. She came over and pinched the man's cheeks. "Yes, you really should call more often!" The other one said.

Vaati almost fell over from laughter. That's when the two finally noticed the mage.

"Oh, and who's your friend here?" One asked.

Then the other said, "I think this is that Vaati fellow that our little Gan-Gan said would never amount to anything! Have you taken him under you wing?"

Vaati gave a death glare to Ganon. Ganon cringed.

"Um, sort of. He's my intern…" He said.

"Well, what are we doing standing here!? We could talk over dinner! Come on you two!" The first one said. The twins went on ahead. Ganon and Vaati slowly followed.

"Never amount to anything?" Vaati said, still giving Ganon the glare.

Ganon gave a nervous chuckle. "Um… Sorry?"

They all took their seats at the table. Vaati felt rather uncomfortable but he knew something was about to happen, and whatever that something was, he didn't want to miss it.

"Well, Ganny. As your mothers, we need to know what's going on in your life. So has anything happened with you and that Zelda girl?" One of them asked.

"I've told you before! I only kidnap her so many times because I want the Triforce and she holds the Triforce of Wisdom! It's not like that! Besides, she's like twenty years younger than me!" Ganon said.

"Now, now, Gan-Gan. You really must work on that temper of yours." The other said.

"I don't have a temper…" Ganon grumbled. It was quiet for a while after that.

"Vaati, why aren't you eating?" The first one asked.

"Uh… I'm not hungry…" Vaati said.

"Does it have anything to do with being albino?" the other asked.

"I'm not albino. My hair color is Sky Lavender." Vaati told them. The twins stared at him oddly for a second. Then one of them turned to Ganondorf.

"Ganny, you never told us your friend was a homosexual. Is there something going on there?"

"NO!" Ganon practically yelled it.

At first, Vaati had a mind to agree with Ganon but all of a sudden, he had a much better idea that he simply couldn't resist. He got his gay voice ready and said mellow dramatically, "Oh Ganon, why do you insist on hiding our relationship?"

"NO! Don't listen to him! He's just saying that to mess with me!" Ganon said to Koume and Kotake while Vaati was cracking up.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist…" Vaati managed to say when his fit of laughter was over. "He's right; I'm straight as a board. I did that just to get on his nerves. But even though I'm not gay, it doesn't mean your son isn't."

Koume and Kotake giggled and Ganon was just praying that something would fall out of the sky and kill him. But when nothing happened Ganon was about to leave.

"Not so fast, Ganny! You didn't eat your veggies!" One said.

"I don't like them." Ganondorf said. As soon as that was said, Vaati took out his tape recorder. This is exactly what he was waiting for.

"Well that's too bad! You're not leaving this table until they're all gone!" the other said.

"No! Vegetables are stupid!" Ganon said.

One of the witches got up, picked up the spoon and held up the veggies in front of Ganon. He refused to open his mouth.

"Eat them!" She said trying to force them in. He shook his head. "You will eat your vegetables, mister!"

Eventually, the other witch got up and together, the witches forced Ganon to eat his veggies until he gave in and started eating them on his own. At that point, Vaati put the camera away and said to himself, "I am so posting this on the internet…"


	11. Computers and Cannons

Short chapter. I couldn't make it the normal size without stretching it out. Anyways, this chapter is... interesting, to say the least.

* * *

"Why'd you say all that?! I'm going to be the laughing stock of all the Gerudo now!" Ganon said miserably. Koume and Kotake had finally let them go. Ganon was absolutely miserable, but Vaati was still laughing his head off on the inside.

"Hey, you are gay so don't seem so insulted." The mage said. He set down the tape recorder and plugged it into a conveniently located computer.

"Hey! What are you putting in there?!" Ganon asked in alarm. Vaati sighed.

"I won't lie. I'm uploading some footage I took of you refusing to eat your vegetables." He said.

"No! You can't!" Ganon said whinily.

"Oh, I can and I am." Vaati said plainly. Ganon went for the plug. Vaati snapped his fingers and a gust of wind blew into Ganon, forcing the man into the wall. Vaati just shook his head in disappointment.

"I'm a wind mage, remember?" Vaati said without looking back at Ganon. He was intent on getting this online. He went on the internet and uploaded it on a site. When he was done, he thought about releasing Ganon but he had a better idea. "I wonder what you have this computer?"

"NO!"

"Judging from your reaction, there has to be some interesting stuff here." And thus, Vaati started to invade Ganon's personal internet space. Vaati moved the mouse over to one icon. He read what was under the icon.

"What's this?" He asked in mock suspicion.

"NO! Please don't open that!" Ganon cried. Vaati clicked it and a new window popped up.

"OH MY GOD! AND YOU CALL ME A PERVERT?!" Vaati was horrified. He covered his eyes with one hand and maneuvered the mouse with the other. Still occasionally glancing to see if he had closed the window. When he finally closed the window he just grimaced, trying to get the images out of his head.

Ganon was red in the face. Of all the files Vaati had to check out first, it was that file… "Well, now that you've seen _that_… will you stop looking at my stuff?"

"Hell no. You can't have any worse than that on your hard-drive." The mage said. He moved the mouse to another icon.

"NO, NOT THAT ONE!" Ganon yelled. But it was too late.

"GOOD LORD! WHAT THE HELL?" Vaati cried out. He closed the window again. Once again, he tried desperately to get the images out of his head. Vaati just shut off the computer and released his spell. Ganon fell to the floor. "You are _disgusting_!"

"I tried to warn you…" Ganon said.

"_DISGUSTING!_" Vaati emphasized.

"Well, we all have different tastes…" Ganon muttered

"Must I say it again?" Vaati asked. Ganon just shook his head, seeing that Vaati wouldn't understand.

The mage looked at a clock and then stood up in a rush. "Crap, I'm gonna be late." He said. And then he headed for the door.

"Where're you going? We still have to figure out what to use for Link's blackmail!" Ganon said.

"Well, I have to go out tonight." Vaati said.

Ganon grumbled. "Well, what's her name?" He asked.

"Uh, it was that girl from earlier. Said her name was Nabooru or some such crap like that…" Vaati said.

"WHAT?! She always said she liked me…" Ganon said sadly. Vaati grinned.

"Wait, you think it's like that? Oh man, this is going to be good. I'm probably going to pay for it later but…" The mage was thinking aloud more than actually speaking to Ganon. The man was getting the completely wrong idea.

"Well… just don't _do_ anything to her." Ganon said hopelessly.

"Oh no, I'm gonna rock her world." Vaati lied and then he left.

Ganon scowled and then just said, "Big talk for a virgin…" But he couldn't stand by while that little mage went out with his girlfriend! Well… ex-girlfriend… But still! He could not stand idly by. He would spy on them! See exactly what was going on!

He ran out of the fortress but then,

"Ganny? Is that you? Are you going out? Take a sweater!" Koume yelled out.

"Dammit Koume! It's 80 degrees out here! I don't need a sweater!"

"Don't talk to me that way, young man! It's almost night fall! You know how cold it gets out here at night!"

"I don't need a sweater!"

"Listen to Koume and take a damn sweater!" Kotake yelled.

Ganon pouted and headed back inside while saying, "Yes, Mommies…"

He grabbed a sweater and then resumed running out of the fortress to find Vaati and Nabooru.

As he tried to figure out where they'd possibly go, Ganon passed by a canon place. There was a remarkably large canon there and Ganon just got an idea that he couldn't say no to. He stopped by and paid for a little surprise for someone. The man in charge of the cannon was a little reluctant at first, but with a little extra incentive, he had no questions and did his job.

"Hehe… he's getting what's coming to him…" Ganon muttered. Then he resumed to trying to find his ally and his ex.


	12. Ugly

Another short one. This time, though, I have a little bit of dialgue. I'm sorry for the prolonged updates and lack of funniness in recent chapters but, I've been having a really busy week. I can only do good, major updates during the weekends, so for that I apologize.

* * *

He eventually found them. They were just talking. Vaati seemed to be listening intently. They were having rather serious conversation. From the look of it, Nabooru was venting. Soon enough, Vaati began to speak. But he wasn't acting the way he usually acted around girls, which was being a flirtatious prick. He was acting serious.

"Wait a second… that little bastard lied to me! If anything, this is more like a business meeting!" Ganon told to no one in particular. "But I can't hear a word they're saying…" He got closer, careful not to make any noise.

"He can just be such an arrogant bastard sometimes!" Nabooru said angrily.

"I'd say more along the lines of an arrogant idiot, but whatever floats your boat. Anyways, there's no changing him. It's very hard to make us guys change."

Ganon immediately jumped to a conclusion. "They're planning to get rid of me!" he said to himself. Unfortunately, it wasn't as quiet as he thought. Nabooru was alarmed and Vaati just grinned evilly.

When Ganon noticed that they noticed he jumped out of the bushes.

"Planning to get rid of me, eh? Vaati I can understand, but you Nabooru…" Ganon started.

Vaati started cracking up and Nabooru looked at Ganon confused.

"What are you talking about?" She asked.

Ganon was stumped himself. "Wait a second… Vaati, what the hell are you doing now?"

Vaati tried to stop laughing but it took a few seconds. Finally he said to Nabooru, "I don't know what you see in this guy. He really is an idiot… Could you believe that at first, he thought this was a date? And now the conspiracy theory… Ah, this is way too much…" he burst out laughing again.

Ganon strained his brain. "What the hell is going on?!" He asked angrily.

"Well, actually, Vaati was trying to set us up…" Nabooru said shyly.

"Wait, what?" Ganon asked.

This time Vaati explained since he had seemed to be over his fit of laughter. "Well, while I was walking with her earlier, she mentioned how she always had this thing for you but there were some issues she had with you. I offered to help her out there."

"Wait… You helping? Is that possible? I mean, the only way I could get you to help me was to blackmail you." Ganon said.

Vaati shushed him. "Don't mention that! Anyways! I may be evil, like yourself, but I have my limits. I'm not so evil that I would try to steal away someone's girl. Now if the girls left their guys for me, that's a whole different story… But that's not the point. Aside from being a master wind mage, I am also the master of amour."

Ganon was boiling. "So what you said before… You said it just to get on my nerves?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Vaati said nodding.

Ganon sent a blast of energy Vaati's way, and then Vaati morphed into his giant eyeball form. He squealed as he saw noticed his form.

"No! Not this! NO! My beautiful face… I don't even have a face anymore… I'm… I'm ugly!" Vaati cried. He floated over under a tree and started acting all emo.

Nabooru just stared at Ganon. "What happened?" She asked.

Ganon had a triumphant smile on his face. "That's payback for him always acting like an ass. To be honest, that's what he looks like in about every boss fight he's in."

"Ah…" Nabooru said. "Still, maybe a little harsh… I mean, look at him."

Ganon looked Vaati's way.

"I'M A MONSTROSITY! The girls aren't attracted to monstrosities… OH GOD KILL ME NOW!" Vaati cried.

Ganon blew it off. "He's just being mellow-dramatic. He'll go back to normal in a few days."

_A few days later…_

"Ganon, Vaati hasn't left your closet since we came back." Nabooru said.

Ganon shuddered. "I know. Why do you think I haven't been able to sleep? He keeps wailing about how he's ugly and no girl will ever want him."

_In Ganon's closet…_

"I'm ugly! UGLY! No girl likes ugly!" Vaati wailed.

Author: I still love you Vaati!

Vaati stared up at the ceiling. Then he wailed again, "No _sane_ girl likes ugly!"

Author: Damn! You'll see, Vaati! I'll win you over one day!

"In your dreams lady." Vaati muttered. And when he was done dumping me-

"There was nothing even there to begin with!" Vaati interrupted.

Fine! When he was done rejecting me, he continued his wailing.

_Back to Ganon_

"Ganon, just change him back to normal already!" Nabooru said.

"He could change back whenever he wants! He's just to busy feeling sorry for himself to notice!" Ganon told her.

"Then at least tell him! He's never gonna shut up, otherwise!" Nabooru said.

"Like he'd listen to me! He probably wouldn't even pay any attention to me!" Ganon said.

"Well, I'm not telling him! You're the one who upset him, you settle this!" Nabooru said. Then she walked away.


	13. Lucky Number 13!

Ah, sorry people. My humor-o-meter has been on a low as of late. You see, the cat I mentioned a few chapters ago... Well, she wasn't fine. She died last night... Nonetheless, I will do my best to keep updating. Especially since I plan on ending this soon. Sorry guys. Even though I wanted this to be long, I can't make it too long. After all, I want to make a Flash out of it. At this rate, it may end up a series, and that I do not want. Anyways, here's the next chapter. Enjoy.

* * *

"Hey, hey Vaati… are you feeling any better?" Ganon asked as he entered his closet.

"NO! Don't look at me… I'm hideous!" The mage cried.

"It's not that bad, c'mon, I'll tell you the story of the ugly barnacle." Ganon said.

Vaati sniffed. "Okay…"

"Once upon a time, there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died! The end! Wait a second…"

Vaati wailed and Ganon cursed himself for remembering _that_ story.

"Okay, okay! Shut up! The curse wore off a while ago, you can change back anytime you want!" Ganon said.

"Really?! So…" And with that, Vaati jumped out of the closet in his normal form. "I'M BEAUTIFUL AGAIN!" He said happily.

Ganon just rolled his eyes as the mage happily pranced around.

"Oh yeah, one more thing…" Vaati said when he paused his prancing. He turned, walked up to Ganon and punched him. "DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!"

"Ow…" Ganon muttered. "Hey wait a second! Where are you going?"

Vaati, who was heading out the door just said, "Home! After all the crap I've been through, I need a little R and R before we can continue on with this pointless crap."

"NO!" Ganon said as he blocked Vaati's path to the door.

The mage pushed him out of the way and continued on.\That situation repeated itself for the majority of Vaati's way home. As soon as he got to where his home lay, Ganon stepped in front of him one more time.

"NO!" The man said.

Vaati forked an eyebrow and then just pushed Ganon out of the way.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Vaati shouted as he saw the carnage a single cannonball inflicted on his palace. "MY PALACE! EHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!"

Ganon cringed. "Well, it happened when I thought you were going out with Nabooru… Sorry?"

Vaati punched him again. "I HADN'T EVEN FINISHED PAYING IT OFF! MY INSURANCE DOESN'T COVER CANNON FIRE! Oh my God… this is just perfect! Where am I going to live?!"

"Hey, listen, I'll pay for the whole thing. And you can live with me and rest of the Gerudo until it's finished. We'll be like brothers!" Ganon said.

At the thought of it the mage just wailed, "OH MY GOD!"

Nonetheless, the mage eventually accepted. After all, it's not like he had any friends that would let him.

"Oh, Ganny! Is your little intern staying here tonight?" Koume asked.

"Actually, he's going to be staying here for a while… I kind of made his house blow up…" Ganon said guiltily.

"Kind of?" Vaati asked sarcastically. Then he just grumbled of with his sleeping bag into Ganon's room. He cursed and cursed and cursed. And then cursed the author because she won't let him quit this. But however much he curses me, I still love him!

"Crazy ass bitch!" He cried out to the ceiling.

Author: I love you too!

"Who are you talking to?" Ganon asked as he entered the room.

Vaati just said, "Never mind that. Where's your TV? Please don't tell me it's anywhere near your computer."

"No, it's in the main room of the fortress. Thanks, for reminding me, though! It's time for my show!" Ganon said.

"No! It's time for my show!" Vaati said, "And I get dibs on the TV!"

"Well, it depends. What's your show?"

"It's the brand new season of Survivor! I can't miss it!" The mage said.

"Ewww! Survivor? Screw that, I'm watching Laguna Beach!" Ganon said.

Vaati froze. "_What_? You actually watch that garbage?" He asked.

"It's not garbage! I have to… record it for my cousin!" Ganon said defensively.

The two glared at each other. They both made a dash for the door. Because of Vaati's smaller body, he made it out of the doorway first, but because Ganon has longer legs, he easily caught up with the mage.

The two ran into the living room. There, the remote lay on the table. Once again, the two villains glared at each other. They ran to a different end of the coffee table and eyed the remote. They glared again and both jumped.

Once again, because of his lighter body, Vaati was able to reach the remote faster. He put on a triumphant smile but when Ganon body slammed right on top of him, the mage had a sharp intake of breath and the remote fell out of his hands. Then, the mother of all fist fights began over who would get the remote.

Meanwhile, a certain blue-skinned Twili came in the room, confused.

"I don't understand, why don't the Masters just get up and turn on the TV?" He asked them.

They both froze, as if the words the Twili had spoken were blasphemic.

"Are you crazy man? To actually get up, turn on the TV and change the channel?!" Ganon said.

"What kind of thinking is that?!" Vaati asked in horror.

"Wait, what were we doing before this?" Ganon asked.

"Oh yeah, you were twisting my arm around me body and I was biting your head." Vaati said.

"Oh, okay."

Then they both resumed their fighting. During that, Zant shrugged and grabbed the remote. He turned on the TV and then began watching Invader Zim.

When Ganon and Vaati had momentarily paused their fighting, they noticed the show.

"Hey, Invader Zim! I haven't seen that in forever!" Vaati said.

"Yeah! That's such a great show! Hey wait a second…" Ganon paused. He grabbed Vaati and pulled him behind the couch. "Do you think that Zant might be… ya know, one of the Tallest?"

"Preposterous! Just because he looks a lot like them… Shit, you might be right…" Vaati said.

Then they discussed the probability of Zant being a Tallest. Unfortunately for them, Zant was overhearing the whole conversation and getting quite an evil idea. After all, just because he wasn't a final boss, doesn't mean he isn't a villain. In fact, he's sort of like Agahnim… but that's a whole different game and I'm getting completely off track. Well, whatever, the chapter ends now anyway.


	14. Horror

Ah Chapter 14. I never thought I'd get to it. My sense of humor has died recently because of my cat and I missed the concert that I was waiting for my whole life and was supposedly really awesome. But after finishing Eldest last night, I was filled with a sense of enjoyable anger, if that makes any sense, which caused me to get mysense of humor back. Though I have to say, I don't exactly like how this chapter turned out, my desire to actually finish something made this come out. Had I waited, you guys probably wouldn't see the next chapter until like... next year probably.

* * *

"How did you two know that I'm really a Tallest?" said Zant in a mock shocked tone.

"He really _is_ a Tallest!" Ganon and Vaati said in unison.

"Yes, I am! And now that you've found me out, I demand your respect!" Zant said.

"Yes Your Tallness!" Ganon said with a salute.

Vaati shook his head in disappointment at what the Gerudo man just did. "Well, you're not getting my respect, Little Boy Blue." The mage said.

"Oh really?" asked Zant. "Because, you see. If I was two get found out and you didn't respect me… well I could always destroy this world with just a snap of my fingers."

Vaati stiffened up but he remained defiant. "I respect no one but myself." He said.

Zant forked an eyebrow. "Really?" He asked. Then he looked at Ganon. "Servant! Take the mage to the back and make him wear a pink dress!"

"Oh come on! Like Ganon's actually going to- Hey, put me down!" Vaati yelled out as Ganon picked him up.

"Sorry, guy, but His Mighty Tallness commands it!" Ganon said.

"What!? I first I thought I'd play along, but you actually believe him?! How the hell can you call yourself an evil genius when you can't even see past this ruse?" Vaati ranted. Ganon did not listen. He simply carried the mage to the back of the room and handed him the pink dress Zant had mentioned.

"I'M NOT WEARING THAT!" The mage said.

"Don't make me put it on you." Ganon said. Vaati cursed under his breath and yanked the dress. He pushed Ganon out. After a few minutes.

"Alright, come on out!" Zant called. It was quiet. "Servant! Get him out!"

Ganon opened the door. The window was open. "He's gone."

"What?! Find him and make him wear that dress! But first…"

The mage traveled through the air vents. He left the window open but he was actually in the air vents. He was not going to wear that dress! He was male and his was confident enough in his sexuality to wear that dress.

"Hey! I am confident in my sexuality! Wearing a dress is just embarrassing!" Vaati called out to the ceiling.

That's what she said! OH! BURN!

"Hey, I thought you had a huge crush on me." The mage said, his temper rising.

I do, but that doesn't mean I can't make fun of you!

"Bitch…" He muttered. Then he continued through the air vents searching for Ganon's closet. He had to look for the blackmail cabinet. There had to something in there that Zant didn't want revealed about himself.

He then found a conveniently placed map and examined it. He was right over Ganon's closet. He removed the vent grid and jumped down. He felt for the cabinet and then found it. _Yes!_

Then, the door of the closet tore open. Ganon was there, but his appearance wasn't as intimidating as it should've been. He was wearing a maid's uniform.

The mage found it funny yet strangely disturbing. "You don't have the legs for that dress. Or the anything else…" He said plainly.

"Shut up! By the order of the Might Tallest, you're coming with me!" Ganon said.

"No." Vaati said simply.

"Yes you are! Even if I have to take you by-PUT GANNY DOWN!" The man said in horror and Vaati pulled the doll out of his cloak.

"No, I don't think so… Hey, wait one second…" Vaati then pulled a camera out of his cloak and took a quick picture of Ganon wearing the dress. Satisfied, he put it back in his pocket. "Alright, now where were we? Oh yes. Stand down or the doll gets it."

"Alright, alright… just don't hurt him!" Ganon said desperately.

Vaati still faced Ganon, but he felt through the files, glancing at them occasionally and found Zant's.

"Okay, now. Ganon, I'm going to leave the room and when I leave, you're going to put on your normal clothes. Then we can go on to blackmail Zant so then we can continue on to blackmail Link, which we've been trying to do for the past nine or ten chapters." The mage said. Ganon nodded, his eyes still on the doll.

Vaati left the room and placed the doll back in his cloak pocket. A few minutes later, Ganon came out in his normal attire. Vaati pulled a paper from the file and said, "We're using this one."

"Can I have Ganny back?"

"Later. Right now, we need to get to work."

Now, while those two get their evil plans ready, some people wanted to know what was happening with Link. It's true; he has been a bit quiet lately, so let's see what he's up to.

He was hiding in a bush fearfully. A stampede of rabid Link fangirls ran past the bush. He hated this. It was that time of day where his obsessive fangirls came out and started chasing him. He'd rather deal with Ganon and Vaati than the fangirls! But apparently, they were being delayed. He didn't know whether it was because he sent Zant or because their dysfunctional alliance was just causing chaos to their plans. He just knew that the fangirls were coming for him.

HEY FANGIRLS! LINK IS BEHIND THE BUSH!

"WHAT?! WHY AUTHOR! WHY ARE DOING THIS?! YOU USED TO HAVE A CRUSH ON ME, RIGHT?!"

Yeah, used to. Even though I am still okay with you, it's just funny to watch guys run away from their fangirls in abject horror.

Then, a fangirl pounced on the hero.

"He's here!" She yelled out to the others. Link squirmed out of her grasp and ran for his life. But the fangirls began to swarm.

"NOOOO!!"


	15. OMG!

I admit it, I half-assed this one in the end. You can easily see where I half-assed it and if you don't... well good for you. And we have a special guest-star in this chapter! Actually, he'll be hanging with the duo until the end. I wonder, does this mean I have to change it The Not so Villanous Trio?

* * *

"Whoa… How'd you find this?" Vaati asked Ganon as he examined the paper he pulled out.

Ganon just said, "In order to get some of this dirt, I had to do things I wasn't exactly proud of."

_Flashback_

A little girl sat down at a table, pouring an imaginary cup of tea.

"Would you like some more tea, Mrs. Dimples?" She asked as she handed the cup to Ganon. The large Gerudo man grimaced and accepted the cup.

_Back to now_

Ganon shuddered after remembering. Vaati didn't push it, he wasn't that curious. And so the two began work on blackmailing Zant, carefully watching out for the now power-crazed Twili.

But Koume and Kotake managed to find the two before they could really do anything.

"Gan-Gan!" Kotake said. "I made you this sweater! Go try it on!" She said holding up the wool garment. It looked remarkably gay. Vaati kept himself from laughing. Ganon reluctantly took the sweater and put it on. Vaati couldn't hold it in any longer. He burst out laughing. Then Koume turned to the mage.

"Oh Vaati! That nice blue boy, Zant, told us you needed a sweater, so we made you one too!" She said.

Now Ganon began laughing at Vaati as the mage put on his sweater with utter disgust.

"Heh, suits you Vaati. You have something to wear that reflects your sexual preference." Ganon said. The mage just glared at him.

Koume and Kotake flew away. Both Ganon and Vaati were almost about to tear off the sweaters when there was a knock at the door.

"What the hell!? Will we ever actually get to blackmailing anyone in the fan fiction?!" Ganon yelled out. He marched over to his door and threw it open.

"Hey, watch it!" Dark Link said.

"Dark Link?" Ganon and Vaati said in unison.

"What are you doing here? Last time I checked, you weren't supposed to be in this fic." Vaati said.

Dark Link shrugged. "I dunno. The author threw me in just now. Something about a 'great idea' … some crap like that. Whatever. Anyways, I heard you guys are looking to get some revenge on Link."

"What of it?" asked Ganon.

"I want in. I'm tired of that damn good me and all his goodness. God, it annoys the hell out of me!" Dark Link said.

"Well why should we let you join us?" Vaati asked.

Dark Link forked an eyebrow as he noticed Ganon and Vaati's matching sweaters. "Well, excuse me. I didn't know I was intruding." He snickered.

That's when the two villains remembered the sweaters. They tore them off. "NO! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!"

DL snickered again. "Yeah, whatever. I'm joining your little club whether you like it or not."

"Fine, but you have to help us get rid of Zant." Vaati said.

"Hey, who made you the boss?" Ganon asked.

"I did as of the last chapter! Your leading skills have gotten me in Termina, threatened to put me in a dress, and you can't forget you _blew up my house_!" Vaati shouted.

"This coming from the fag who went crazy trying to kill a couple of fairies!" Ganon said back. And then the two continued to argue, forgetting that Dark Link was there.

The dark-hearted Link just stood there and watched for a bit. "They're like a married couple." He finally came to the conclusion. He decided to end the argument and grabbed a conveniently placed air horn and blew it in their faces.

"GOD! MY EARS!" Ganon shouted as he clamped his palms over his ears.

"ACK! MY HAIR!" Vaati shouted as he noticed his hair was blown over all to one side.

"Well, now that you two have shut up," DL said, "I'll help you get rid of this Zant guy, but I ain't doing it out of the kindness of my heart. I'm _Dark_ Link. I have no kindness. I do this because it'll end up helping me."

Vaati nodded. "Fine. I ain't helping Ganon willingly either."

"WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SAYING? I CAN'T HEAR!" Ganon shouted. The air horn didn't seem to go over with him well.

The three hid behind the couch. Finally, we're going to get some blackmailing! Anyways, there they waited for Zant to reappear.

"Hey, is that him?" asked DL in a whisper.

Ganon didn't hear and was about to yell "WHAT?!" when Vaati literally made Ganon put a sock in it.

"Yeah that's him."

"LET'S GET HIM!" Ganon yelled after spitting out the sock. DL rolled his eyes and Vaati smacked his forehead.

Zant turned around. "Ah, there are my loyal subjects! Hey, what are those? And who's that?" Zant asked nervously as he saw Dark Link and then Ganon holding Zant's blackmail file.

DL grabbed the blackmail file. "This is all the dirt that loudmouth here has gathered up on you. Can you guess what's going to happen if all this leaks out?" he said.

Zant froze and then, "Masters, can you ever forgive my insubordinance?!" He begged.

In the end, they kicked Zant out.


	16. OH NOEZ!

And I bring to you, Chapter... what number is this? Well, whatever. Anyways, sorry to say guys, I'm still on my way to ending this. As such, I won't being changing the title since DL came in because it would just be pointless because of how near to the end it is and for another reason which I cannot mention. I don't need any ideas, but I'd like to thank everyone now for all the help you give me! For that, there's going to be a special treat when the story ends just for you guys!

* * *

"Alright! NOW, we can get to blackmailing Link!" Ganon said. He pulled the file out of shirt-thing that he wears.

"Egh! What's that smell?!" DL grabbed his nose.

"Aw crap! You got bird crap on the files!" Vaati said angrily.

Ganon glanced at the file and saw it. He gave a sheepish smile, "Well… I guess it wasn't as protected as I thought…"

With a conveniently placed pair of tongs (hmm, there are a lot of conveniently placed things here…), DL took the folder and placed it on a table top. With the tongs, the three opened the files and turned the pages. Vaati and DL looked on in amazement.

"This is… this is gold!" Vaati said.

"There are things in here that _I_ didn't even know about my good self!" DL said.

Ganon chuckled in pride. "I have my methods. And of the three of us, I _am_ the oldest and most featured villain. After so many years of my work, I've found out a lot of things." He said triumphantly.

"That and you have no life besides kidnapping Zelda." Vaati said with an evil grin. DL snickered.

Ganon shot a dirty look at the mage. "Rapist." He spat.

"Big nose." Vaati retorted.

"Fag."

"Sasquatch."

Ganon just kept up his glare and decided to pursue the matter no more. The mage would somehow manage to counter every insult he threw at him. He always did.

DL snickered again and just said, "You guys have issues."

"And you don't?" Ganon asked.

"I never said I didn't." DL said slyly.

Vaati grinned at DL's witty replay. He had a feeling he and the evil Link would get along rather well. Ganon on the other hand just "hmphed" and left it alone.

All was quiet until they heard squeals from the other rooms of the fortress.

"What's going on?" DL asked.

Ganon just had a look of utter horror on his face. "Oh no. I forgot…"

"What did you forget?" Vaati asked.

"It's Tuesday night." Ganon said almost in a whimper.

"And that means?" Vaati asked.

"It's Aaron Carter night, man! If we stay any longer, we'll be doomed to hear Carter's voice echo throughout the whole fortress!" Ganon cried out.

Vaati screamed like a little girl and DL had a look of utter horror on his face. Ganon slapped Vaati.

"PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN! We need to get out! And we can only do that if we work together-Hey, where's Dark Link?" Ganon asked. Vaati pointed and they saw the black haired Link escaping through the window.

"Hey! Wait for me!" Ganon cried as he ran over to the window.

Vaati stood there for a second. "How rude…" He said, thinking out loud more than actually speaking to anyone. When the first track of the Aaron Carter CD started, though, Vaati hauled ass over to the window.

When they were all out and had run a good distance away from the fortress. That's when Vaati took the time to curse Ganon's tribe. "Why? WHY? Why did you have to be born into a tribe made up of solely females! I mean, sure they're hot females, but they have lousy taste in music!"

"It's not my fault! I can't choose my lineage!" Ganon said. And the two began bickering again.

Dark Link sighed with frustration and rubbed his temples. "SHUT UP!" he yelled. Ganon and Vaati shut up. "Good. Where're we gonna go now?"

"Crap, Dark Link's got a point. My place is blown up and your place is a danger zone." Said Vaati.

Ganon thought for a moment. "I suppose we could go to the Spirit temple. I don't Nabooru would mind. After all, she is my baby-cakes." The Gerudo man said.

"Egh… I really didn't need to hear that." DL said.

"Ditto." Vaati agreed.

Ganon pretended not to hear it and lead the way. But Vaati stopped him. "You're sure it's this way?" He asked.

"Yeah. I know this desert like the back of my hand." Ganon said. Then he turned back, setting his eyes on the course they were about to take.

"Why'd you ask him that?" DL asked.

"He has a horrible sense of direction. When we had to go to the Lost Woods, he got us lost. And we weren't even in the woods yet." Vaati said, his temper rising as he remembered the hell that experience brought him.

Dark Link frowned at the news. If they got lost, they were be problems. Very violent problems.

But since I, the author, am tired of giving Ganon a horrible sense of direction, they arrived at the Spirit Temple with no problems.

"Well, the author seems nice enough." DL said.

"No, she's not… or is it a he? I'm pretty sure it's a she…" Vaati muttered.

"Well I hope it's a she. It'd be creepy if a guy had a crush on you. Though it wouldn't necessarily be bad for you, since you're a fag and all…" Ganon snickered.

"OH! BURN!" DL said.

Vaati just rolled his eyes. He was getting tired of the gay jokes and once again cursed author for the torture he was being put through.

So the three sat down finally and began looking at Link's file again. Each paper they looked through contained a dirtier secret than the last. It was hard to believe that a boy who had done so much good had so many dark secrets to hide. There was even one paper that made DL say, "And _I'm_ supposed to be the evil one…"

Then they saw the paper. That magical paper.

"This is the one…" Ganon said. A beam of light even seemed to be falling down on it. At that sight Ganon just looked up.

"Hmmm… I should fix that hole in the ceiling…"


	17. The Final Chapter

Random beginning to this, the Final Chapter of the actual story!! Now before you throw full wine bottles at me, there's going to be a bonus chapter! An after show, so to speak. That's my thank you to all you people who have read this, reviewed, enjoyed it, and imspired me to continue on with this to the end!

* * *

"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" Screamed a random person. They had just popped right in.

"What the hell?" Said all three villains in unison.

"TEAM ROCKET BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!" The person said.

The three villains looked at each other in utter and complete confusion.

"NUUU! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" The person shouted. Then-BANG!-the villains somehow managed to get a hold of some AK-47s and shot the person.

"What the fuck was that?!" DL asked.

"I don't know! We're in Ganon's turf! So Ganon-dork, what the hell is… _that_." Vaati said, shuddering at the sight of the person who seemed to be pretty damn dead now.

"I have no idea…" Ganon said.

Anyways, after that complete pointless gibberish that I just had to throw in because of my sugar rush or something-like that, the three hauled ass out of the desert, wanting to get as far away as possible from whatever just happened. Wow, that was a hell of a run-on sentence, wasn't it?

And so they finally stopped their running.

"Alright… Now, we can finally get revenge!" Ganon said, holding up the paper. Once again, the light seemed to be shining on the paper.

"That's really weird." DL muttered. Vaati nodded in agreement.

* * *

Link was at his house, nursing his injuries from the recent fangirl attack. Then, something broke through his window. It was a water balloon with a note on it. Amazingly, the balloon didn't pop. He read the note,

"We give up and we want to turn over a new leaf. We couldn't resist the water balloon thing and breaking your window, though. Sorry. But we'd like to know more about the side of good. Could you possibly see us in this very isolated location that no one can find but for some reason a plot hole allows us find?

Ganon, Vaati, and Dark Link

PS Dark Link says he owns you."

Then, the water balloon popped (bet you weren't expecting that). Link just rubbed his temples. "Wow, I hate those guys…"

Nonetheless he went. He saw no one was there and was about to walk away when all of a sudden, he was hanging upside-down from a rope tied to a tree.

"Told you he'd fall for it." Vaati said.

"Damn! I lost fifty rupees…" Ganon groaned as he handed the rupees to a very satisfied Dark Link.

"What the hell do you guys want?!" Link asked angrily.

"REVENGE!" Ganon shouted.

"Yeah! You've been showing us up forever! We're tired of it!" Dark Link said.

"Well actually, since I'm newer, I could've gone a few more rounds before getting caught up in this situation willingly…" Vaati said.

Ganon smacked his forehead. "Shut up!" He said.

"Big nose…" Vaati muttered. Ganon ignored it.

"Anyways!" Dark Link began, "We have dug into your past and are about to blackmail you so you can finally stop kicking our asses."

Link scoffed. "Right. What kind of dirt could you possibly get on me? I'm a hero!"

Vaati took out the paper. "Let's see… You check under your bed for monsters, you kept wetting the bed until you were fourteen years old, you're afraid of squirrels, and blond isn't your natural hair color. And that's just for starters."

Link had a look of horror on his face. "How did you-?"

"That would be me! You know Link, you really did make it too easy. I mean, I've been around forever!" Ganon said.

"Fine. I admit defeat…" Link said.

"Wait, what? We've actually won?" Vaati asked.

"We've won… We've won!" Ganon said.

"Ganon… I misjudged you. You are not an idiot... and I am proud to call you my friend." Vaati said.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I had to blackmail you…" Ganon said.

"Yeah, well, as touching as this is…" DL said. "I'm going to double-cross you now."

"WHAT?!"

And with that, DL quickly came and hit them over their heads, stunning them and tied them up.

"YOU TRAITOR!" Vaati accused.

"No, no. Not a traitor. I said it before; I look into what's in my best interest." DL said. Then he walked over to the rope trap Link was in. He cut down the rope, releasing the hero.

"Thanks Dark Dude." Link said as he brushed himself off.

DL shrugged. "No problem… and don't call me that."

"Yeah, sorry." Link said.

"Ahem." DL said, holding out his hand. Link groaned and handed him a bag of rupees. "Thank you very much. I'll be on my way now." DL continued. Then he walked away.

"Now, you two." Link said looking at the tied up Ganon and Vaati. "Vaati, I'm assuming you don't know what really happened in FSA if you could just accept Ganon as your friend so freely."

"Wait, what?" the mage asked.

"NO! DON'T LISTEN VAATI!" Ganon said.

Link laughed. "Yup, you really don't know. Ganon didn't 'accidentally' rain on your evil parade. He planned everything out."

"Don't listen Vaati!"

"He let out the first shadow Link that tricked me into releasing you and left the mirror with you so you could wreak havoc with more shadow Links. Then, and here's the best part,"

"NO! SHUT UP LINK! DON'T LISTEN VAATI!"

"He was siphoning power off of you." Link finished.

Vaati seemed to have a blank look on his face. He turned to Ganon. "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! I TAKE BACK ALL THE GOOD THINGS I SAID ABOUT YOU!" He was so angry, the ropes confining him broke and he began to give Ganon a royal ass kicking.

Now while that was going on, Link took the time to call the cops so he wouldn't have to take the two fighting villains in himself.

And so, after much effort, the cops came and pulled Vaati off of Ganon. But that was after they tranquilized the mage so he could stop his endless rage.

They were then placed in Hyrule Federal Prison.

"I can not share a cell with this man!" Vaati said pointing to Ganon.

"Oh shut up! You should feel at home here anyway… you're surrounded by other fags." Ganon hissed.

"I'M NOT GAY!" And then Vaati began to maul Ganon again.


	18. BONUS CHAPTER: the Aftershow

The bonus chapter. Filled with so crap and randomness your head would explode if you even began to think of how crappy and random this is. I probably did an all time low... Oh well! The bonus chapter! here ya go! May you see the depths of much hate the characters have for me! Whoo! ... I need more friends...

* * *

"Hi all! I'm the embodiment of the author, Rei, in this fanfic and I'm here to annoy the hell, I mean, interview the characters of this fanfiction as a sort of after show!" Said the random person that appeared in the beginning of the last chapter of the fic.

With a snap of Rei's fingers, a curtain lifted. Sitting from left to right was Ganon, Vaati, Dark Link, and Link. Rei then took a seat next to Link.

"How come I have sit next to _this_?" Vaati asked pointing to Ganon.

"Do you wanna sit next to me?" Rei asked eagerly.

Vaati hesitated. "On second thought, I'm good here." He said.

Rei pouted. "Fine, be that way. Alright, first question I'm going to ask… Ganon. What are your feelings on the fic?"

"I didn't get paid enough for it." The Gerudo said plainly.

"But you didn't get paid at all." Link said.

"Exactly." Ganon replied.

"Hehe, but I got paid…" DL said satisfied.

Ganon and Vaati cursed under their breath. They had not forgotten DL's betrayal.

"Okay… now that we got a bit off track… Vaati, same question." Rei said.

"I hated it every second of it. I hate Ganon, I hate Link, I hate Dark Link, and God knows I hate you…" The mage hissed.

"Well, someone's acting awfully emo…" Rei mumbled.

"I'm not emo." Vaati snapped.

"Yeah, he's a fag." Ganon interjected. Link and DL snickered.

"Well maybe I should tell everyone what happened to you in prison!" Vaati said back.

Ganon's eyes widened. He shook his head rapidly.

"Wait, wait! What happened?" Rei asked. A look of eagerness came upon the author's face.

"Hehe, let's just say he dropped the soap." Vaati said evilly.

Ganon started crying.

_Oh man… the Ganon fangirls are gonna kill me… and yes people, they do exist_ the author thought.

"Hey! Author! I gotta a question for you!" DL said.

Rei focused the attention on DL now. "Yes?"

"How can you be here and writing this at the same time?" DL asked.

"Ummm… That's too complicated to explain." Rei said.

"You don't know, do you?" Link asked.

"NO! I do too know! I just can't explain it." Rei said.

"Psh, right. Whatever helps you sleep better at night." said Vaati.

"You could help me sleep better at night." The author said flirtatiously.

The mage had a look of horror on his face. "IN YOUR DREAMS!" Vaati yelled. Ganon, DL, and Link just laughed. The mage gave death glares to all of them. He wondered what kind of deaths he could inflict on everyone in the room that was remarkably slow and painful.

"Anyways… We got off track. So, Link. How did you feel about doing this fanfic?" Rei asked.

"Honestly, anything that involves destroying me, blackmailing me, maiming and injuring me, doesn't really go over well with me. But I ended up fine in the end… except for the fangirls you unleashed on me…" The hero said, shuddering at the remembrance of the fangirl attack.

The Rei began to throw a series of rhetorical questions at Ganon and Vaati.

"Hey… Hey Link… what do you think the author is?" DL whispered.

"What do you mean?" Link asked.

"Boy or girl? I can't tell. It looks asexual as hell! The voice is high pitched but there is always the off chance puberty hasn't hit yet…" DL said, being very careful to control his tone of voice. He did not want to be heard by anyone else.

Link shrugged. "I always assumed it was female… just because of the way author acts. Of course, if it's a he it could be gay or bi… Aw screw it, I can't tell… It's like meeting Sheik all over again…"

DL then just stood up, walked up to the author and placed a hand on the author's chest. It was a bit of a delayed reaction. Rei slapped him.

"Aw crap! We get a female author and she's flat!" DL cursed. She slapped him again. Ganon, Vaati, and Link laughed at DL's pain.

"Only Vaati may touch me there if he so wishes!" She snapped.

Vaati froze, once again looking rather disgusted. "One," he started, "No. And two, you're a minor."

She stared at him for a moment. "I'm gonna rape you."

"WHAT?!" They all said.

"Hm? I didn't say anything." She said calmly. _Dammit, I was thinking out loud again!_

"THAT'S IT! I'M LEAVING!" Vaati shouted. Then he hauled ass out the door.

"No wait! Let me touch your hair at least!" Rei cried as she got up and sprinted after him.

Dark Link, Link, and Ganon just sat there.

"Now what?" Ganon asked.

"Wanna get wasted?" Dark Link asked them.

Link shrugged. "Yeah sure. It's not like we have anything better to do."

And so they all got up and headed for the opposite exit door, not wanting to cross paths with either Rei or Vaati. Then Ganon paused.

"Oh, wait one second!" he said. He rushed back to where Rei's chair was and took out a piece of paper. He placed it on her chair and then went and rejoined Link and his evil counterpart.

"What was that?" Link asked.

Ganon chuckled. "If she really loves Vaati, she won't mind paying the bill to fix his house."

"Oh that is low… Even for you. But we can't say she doesn't deserve. She's tortured us all in some way or another." Link said.

"Not me, she paid me! In fact, I'm the only one she didn't really torture in this whole story." DL said.

Ganon and Link glared at DL. He had a habit at saying the wrong things at the wrong time.

A few minutes later, DL was headfirst in a trashcan.

"Now we can get wasted." Link said nodding.

"You know, we should hang out more." Ganon said.

"Erm… maybe."


End file.
